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Damn you, Fear.

Published November 14, 2013 by ABadKitten

I don’t remember where I heard the phrase “Fear is a myth that we make alive with our belief” but I always wanted to believe that. I never did, but I wanted to. At least it would make certain aspects of life just a little bit easier if I did.

As defined on Wikipedia, “Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight or flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible.” Too bad there is not always a specific reason for a person to feel fear. Sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be any reason at all.

Two nights ago, I got barely any sleep. I kept waking up every half hour or so absolutely and utterly terrified. Of what? I have no idea. After being jolted awake, I just laid there for a little thinking about what was terrifying me and why. When I could come up with no answer, I relaxed and went back to sleep. This went on for the remainder of the night.

Last night, I kept dosing off on the couch before I actually went to bed. I was jolted awake by the sounds of knocking and scratching– both which weren’t really happening. It kept happening each time I dozed off until I had had enough, turned off my tv and went to bed where I slept soundly all night.

Now, waking up this morning I’m nervous…but this time I actually have a reason. The PS4 is launching today and I, being the store manager, have all of the stress of “Will it go smoothly?” and “What if, god forbid, the police doesn’t show up as they say and we get robbed?” and all those thoughts of worst-case-scenarios. I’m going to have the same fears next week when the Xbox One releases. It’s normal. It’s holiday season and this is my first year as a store manager so it’s a tad stressful.

The point to my ramblings is that my fear this morning has a basis and something real to fear. My fears the past few days have been based on feelings that have no reason to exist and sounds I’m only hearing in my subconscious that don’t really exist either. Fear makes life complicated. It kept me from sleeping the other night and kept me from relaxing last night. It’s keeping me from walking into work with my head held high today because I’m absolutely terrified something might happen.

The positive side is at least I’m aware of worst-case-scenarios and acknowledge they exist beyond the bounds of my imagination. They could happen, though it doesn’t mean they actually will. Being jolted awake by terror that you can’t explain doesn’t really have a positive side. The only thing I can think to relate it to is stress and anxiety.

Damn, fear. It makes life so difficult.

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The Simple Things

Published November 10, 2013 by ABadKitten

While driving home tonight, I decided to take the back roads home. The entire 2 minute drive down the leaf-strewn road was completely dark aside from my headlights and the few spots of light coming from the back of random businesses here and there. Being so dark, I had the clearest view of the sky…

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Today was a little rough. Normally, after a hard days work, seeing my boyfriend is all the relief I need to relax and unwind. It’s been harder the past few weeks as I see him a lot less because of conflicting work schedules and the fact that I practically live at my store. Tonight was the same story, as I left him a little early tonight so he could rest up for an early start tomorrow…which sucks for me because the comfort was really needed.

Looking up at the beautiful sky on my ride home, though, was so calming. From the little light that was left in it, I could see the stars just as clearly as the swirled smokey wisps of clouds surrounding them. It was super windy tonight so they moved slightly which, for some reason, reminded me of calming waves on the beach.

No amount of star-gazing could ever replace the warm arms of someone I love, but sometimes the little bit of “simple” is all that’s needed to push you over the edge to relaxation.