I’m not really sure what I live for anymore. For most people I know, life after high school was full of self-fulfillment, exploration, education, and fun experiences. I find myself lacking in just about all of those, as I’ve fallen so far behind because I haven’t been able to go to school every semester.
At this point, I don’t know what my dream job is anymore. It used to be anything to do with writing because it was one of the only things I was good at and I’m so in love with the written word…but now, I can actually feel everything I’ve learned about writing slipping away from me simply because I haven’t had the practice I used to have. Who the hell has the time anymore? I work too much.
I’m stuck in a rut. A deep, dark, Haha-I’m-Never-Letting-You-Out rut and it just gets deeper with each passing day. I can’t enroll in classes because my school blocked me from doing so. Why? Because, apparently, I didn’t attend orientation when I first transferred over (which I did. I even brought my boyfriend…). Calling these people is a gigantic waste of time because they have never answered in the million times I’ve tried to get in contact with them to clean up this mess and get myself back into classes so I stop feeling like such a god damn failure. I leave messages but of course no one calls back. I have no time to actually drive down to the school because of my work schedule (although, I might actually have time this upcoming week…) so what the hell do I do?
I’m 22 years old with a boyfriend of 6 1/2 years this Wednesday and, so far, three of my friends from way back when have gotten engaged to guys they’ve been with for under a year. This is a pure complaint by me because neither of us have any money to start a life together–another gigantic part of what makes me so depressed. We have no money to move out, we have barely anything saved up, and we have no money to go back to school.
Every time I find myself feeling down, I usually think of the good things in my life to attempt to make myself feel better…so aside from actually letting it all out (which has helped…) I guess it calls for that. I wonder where I’ll be this time next year.
Amber, be thankful for:
- The roof over your head, even if it isn’t yours.
- The best boyfriend in the world who loves and cherishes you, is judgment free and sweet, and loves you no matter what you do.
- The fact that you have a job that pays higher than minimum wage. It covers enough for gas, food, and there is a small bit that you can save…even if it’s not a lot. Every bit counts.
- The adorable dog that sleeps with you every night and greets you like her best friend in the world when you walk in the door.
- A father whom you take for granted but doesn’t care about it because you’re his little girl.
- A stepmother who loves you and step sisters who do the same. You don’t live in Cinderella.
- The fact that you’re surrounded by people who make you feel good at work, out of work, at home, everywhere.
- All the things you’re so lucky to have (computer, phone, kindle, ipod, xbox360, car, etc.)
- The fact that you can write beautifully, even if you’re a little bit rusty.
- The sounds of singing birds when you wake up in the morning because they love the tree next to your window.
- The vision of seeing my dad have such a fun time simply filling up that stupid little bird feeder because it means he gets to watch the birds and other little animals come eat at it from the huge living room window…while lounging in his recliner.
- The fact that you have the ability to help people and do it even at risk to yourself.
- The fact that you can help people, even if you can’t always help yourself; and the fact that the latter is more important to you.
I think that’s good for now. At least it made me feel better. I’ll also feel better when I see my boyfriend later, so hopefully my day won’t be so terrible. It just sucks waking up depressed.