Have you ever wanted anything so badly that you’d do just about anything to get it? Of course you have. Even if it was that stupid toy you begged and begged your parents to get you when you were 6 years old.
People want things. Sometimes that want is for selfish reasons, sometimes for no good reason at all, or sometimes it’s because it’s an important stepping stone in their life. That happens to be what my want revolves around…the next step in my life. Or…actually, the step for me to fix my life and continue making into something I’ve always dreamed of making it into.
While I was in the shower a little while ago, I had a small mental break-down. I’ve been stressed about this particular thing more than I’ve ever stressed over anything in my life. It’s the most important thing to me right now…aside from the people I love of course. But without this happening, I honestly don’t know where to go from here.
After a few minutes of bawling my eyes out and semi-drowning in the water streaming out of the shower head…I slide down onto the floor (I have a stand-up shower…not very comfortable) and started talking out loud. It seemed like a prayer to me, but I don’t believe in a God…unless you count the planet that we live on. I was pleading to whoever would, could, or couldn’t hear me…mainly my Grandmother… for a chance to turn my life around for the better.
I’ve never really believed in prayer…as is the same way most people feel who don’t believe in God. When I used to believe in God, I would pray all the time before bed. When my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, I prayed multiple times a day. When she died, the prayers stopped of course. When my friend fell off the third story of a building into a parking lot and was rushed to the hospital, I prayed the whole night (even though this was after my belief in God had vanished…) until he died. Prayer has never worked for me; I’ve never experienced any miracles.
Yet…I still pray and plead and beg to someone who I hope is there to hear me. Not a God necessarily…because I can’t state enough that this has nothing to do with a belief in a “higher power” like that. Maybe it’s just a comfort…my last string of hope that I still have to hold on to that maybe, just MAYBE screaming and crying in the shower for a second chance will make any difference when it comes to reality.
I’ve made plenty of wishes before…and I’ve always dreamed. Maybe those are better words for it…wish and dream… (I don’t really like the word “pray” as it’s always been related to religion in my mind…) But, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what my future has in store for me…whether I like it or not.