What exactly does “Playing God” mean?

Published May 20, 2015 by ABadKitten

The title is misleading. It means a lot of things. Too many things. But lets just focus on one thing, a piece of a thing, a whisper of a thing:

Why is everyone so quick to squish a bug? Why, rather, am I so opposed to it?

There are many answers to both questions. Probably more than I would be able to think of in the few moments that I would attempt. I just started wondering at it, not as deeply as I normally would have gone, in the random moment that I noticed a teeny tiny black beetle crawling up my white bathroom wall. For a mere flash of a moment I questioned, “Crush it?”, then immediately my feeling shifted to “I’ll it to move outside.” The first question, as it crossed my mind, startled me slightly because a) as far as I could tell, the tiny little beetle did not pose any threat to me and b) I am the type of person who feels immense guilt at harming another creature, bugs included. Unless, of course I’m pitted in an unfortunate battle of life and death against this creature and survival depended on my actions and/or choices. However, that is a completely different circumstance that I’m writing off now as a “No need to approach” subject because it has nothing to do with my personal feelings towards harming or killing another creature.

That being said, the fact that the solution was instantly to kill it was still the first though in my mind. Why is that?

~*- 99% of the people I know are either afraid of bugs and/or disgusted by them. The typical response to something you are disgusted of: get rid of it/get it away from you. The typical response to something that frightens you: get rid of it/get it away from you. So, there’s that. However, I was neither frightened or disgusted by it so this wouldn’t apply.

~*-Bugs do not belong in your house. Eliminate them if they attempt to enter. Not only did that sentence sound, to me, like something that would either come from the mouth of a power-hungry Monarch or General or some paranoid shut-in…but I’m 100% okay with a bug or two in the house once in a while. Granted, I will promptly attempt to peacefully relocate them outside my personal living space which I do not wish to share with said bugs, but it’s understand able that small things that live outside may make their way into my living space from time to time. To think anything other seems very foolish to me which, once again, does not answer my first question.

~*-It’s ugly, scary, moves too fast, and for the love of god WHERE DID IT GO? Right, this really only applies to spiders for me or any other thing that can actually bite, sting, or in someway make me feel pain or discomfort. I’ve seen some pretty ugly dogs in my time, but I will still pet, feed, and cuddle the living hell out of them. I’ve also seen some pretty unfortunate looking humans in my 20+ years but I have never refused to talk to or acknowledge them. Doesn’t apply.

~*-I’ve been trained to/am used to being either told or seeing other people immediately kill them to be rid of them. There we go. Not everyone feels the same way I do considering “They’re only bugs” so generally, it’s squashville. Plus, I didn’t always have quite the intense abhorrence of causing harm to anything smaller than the smallest animal. The fact that bugs crawled their way into my heart was something that took quite a while because…well…they’re ugly, scary, they move too fast and for the love of god WHERE DID IT GO?

Why am I so opposed to squishing something as seemingly-insignificant as a bug?

~*-I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 14. My reasons seemed pretty simple to me: The thought of putting a dead animal in my mouth disgusted me. The thought of consuming something that had the ability to produce a family and love something else did not sit right with me. Every time I saw roadkill I thought “That’s dead. It’s going to be dinner,” and I related it to my own dinner. Meat was never tasty to me in the first place. I love animals more than any other thing in the world, meaning hurting one or thinking about one suffering is absolutely unbearable to me. I was fresh into High School and a teenager, so doing something my family didn’t want me to do seemed like the way to go. Plus, the judgments of people around me for making a choice about my body (which I STILL don’t understand, by the way…) didn’t bother me.

~*-I already stated that hurting an animal is unbearable to me, as is the thought of the suffering. It brings me to tears, makes me physically sick, and ignites a rage in me that is rather terrifying as I’m typically a peaceful person, non-confrontational person. I’m pretty sure that grew into “It has eyes, it walks around, and might have a teeny brain. Maybe it has a family. What it if has tiny eggs in it’s tiny home? It’s trying to live it’s tiny life. I’ll just let it be” which people close to me think is adorable and people who don’t know me think it stupid. It is what it is.

~*-Every creature has some type of significant purpose in the way this planet and our environment works. If I don’t have to destroy it, why bother disrupting it? If it was a rabid raccoon going after a small child, I would shoot it without a second thought. If I was collapsed from exhaustion, about to feel the strike of a cobra, and some passerby kicked it across the ground, I wouldn’t accost them in anger. I understand there are time of necessity and unavoidable actions for one reason or another. However, if it’s not necessary, I’m not doing it. Why? Because I’m a lover of my planet and I have a deep respect for nature, the environment, and all things living.

~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~*-~

Since I’ve been vegetarian since I was 14, I’ve pretty much heard all the nasty rebuttals and arguments to every single feeling, opinion, choice, action, and reason I have for being so. I would never tell another person to become vegetarian or vegan. I would never intentionally make someone feel bad for their choice to eat meat. I’ve never once refused to make something for my boyfriend or force him to only eat what I eat (except vegetables in general because they’re healthy for you). A large amount of other people, however, seem to think that my personal choices are stupid or offensive. Why is that, exactly? If I don’t want to kill a spider, but would rather put it outside so it can continue living (or dying…or what ever it was doing), why is either stupid? If I value something different than what other people value, why is it stupid? It’s not, and it has taken quite a while for me to realize that after years of being embarrassed when someone found out I was vegetarian because I was unsure of how they would perceive me.

The argument that “You eat plants which are living, so you’re a hypocrite” doesn’t even make me mad anymore. It makes me sad and judgmental. Sad that this person has gotten so upset by my diet that they had to find a reason to make me feel smaller about it. Judgmental because this person is trying to make me feel smaller about something I personally feel strongly about and does not, in any way affect them, their daily life, or their greasy Burger King burger. I never said I am a vegetarian because I don’t want to eat something that is living, and anyone who is vegetarian or vegan who has said that (hopefully) means something different. I do. Otherwise, we would be dead because rocks, clay and bleach are not part of any type of diet that could keep you alive.

I realize this has evolved into something completely different than my thoughts about an insignificant account with a little black beetle, but that’s pretty much what always happens when I write. That is why I write. I thought about killing the beetle because that is what I have been trained by society to do. I did not kill the beetle because I don’t feel killing without reason is necessary. The end.

My coffee cup is empty and the bread I left of my deck for Mama and Papa bird is now gone, so I need to get off the computer and fix both of these horrific issues.

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The “Right” Resolution

Published January 1, 2015 by ABadKitten

Every New Year brings a few of the same things: mass texts at midnight from friends and family with well wishes, millions of status updates highlighting this years resolutions, and the eventual disappointment of those resolutions being broken and unfulfilled.

What are the most common resolutions? Lose weight. Stop smoking. Go to the gym more. Every single person knows a handful of people who make these same resolutions every year (with good intent, of course) and a good majority of us fall into that same category. Not to say that’s necessarily a bad thing, but it’s pretty rare that I come across a person who has been able to say to me, honestly, “I kicked my New Year Resolution’s ass!”

I read an article this morning on Quartz entitled “Why our New Year’s Resolutions are all wrong” and I couldn’t help but agree with the overall message. We make these resolutions with the hopes to better ourselves and make ourselves happier in this coming year, but we always seem to fall short of that small happiness. Why? It’s because my body weight isn’t the root of my unhappiness. Neither is the fact that I don’t go to the gym as often as I would like. Quitting smoking is not going to solve my Uncle’s issues in life, nor is the amount of fast food he eats. These behaviors are results of other issues we have, not causes.

So, with that long-winded thought process not blurted out in an unorganized fashion on a bright, white page-like screen on my computer, I can finally come to the conclusion and reason for said process in the first place. My New Year’s resolution is to find what is making me so unhappy and dissolve it from my life once and for all.Β I know exactly where I’m going to start, I just need a timeline to start it. Once I can finally look myself in the mirror and say, “I’m happy!” and not worry about when that’s going to chance, everything else will follow suite.

When I’m happy, I eat better so I lose weight.

When I’m happy, I exercise more and feel better.

When I’m happy, I’m more enjoyable as a person and people around me are happier.

When I’m happy, I’m more willing to go out with people and see my friends and family more.

Everything will follow suite, as I said. So, this year I feel like I made a resolution I can actually keep. As a matter of fact, it’s more than one resolution, technically, because once I can solve the overall issue that’s causing all of my other minute issues, I can solve those as well.

Happy 2015 everyone! I wish you all a happy, healthy, and fruitful year as you work towards your 2015 goals!

The Relevance of Bill Clinton, Big Ben, and Naked Bodies.

Published December 31, 2014 by ABadKitten

“What time is it?!” The question echoed throughout the room as I and my drool-covered pillow tumbled onto the floor, unraveling the cozy blanket cocoon I had, undoubtedly, spent all night creating. I scrambled to my dresser where, apparently, my clock was supposed to be. Right? Well, it wasn’t there.

“Shit! Shit! Where are you?” I wondered aloud, shoving everything in sight (including a very lovely crystal jewelry box that I didn’t remember having) onto the floor in a large heap. Nope, no clock here. I scurried out the bedroom door and into the super purple hallway, freezing in place. Staring ahead at the oddly furry wall, I uttered another plethora of obscenities as I realized there was no clock directly in front of me. What did this mean? The entire house was devoid of items to tell me what the hell time it was.

“Mike!” I screamed, hoping my boyfriend was home. “Mike! I think I’m late! What time is it? I think I’m late for work!”

“Huh…?” he wondered sleepily, shuffling from, what appeared to be, a bathroom/kitchen hybrid of a room. “What do you mean ‘What time is it’? If you can’t find your clock, why don’t you just look at Big Ben?” Duh! Why didn’t I think of that? The giant clock tower would tell me what time it was and then I would know if I was late! That’s why I keep this genius of a man around, obviously, because he has such stupendous ideas all the time.

Since we were both already conveniently dressed even though we both just woke up, we dashed out the door, hopped into the car, and drove a record two feet, landing smack dab in the middle of Time Square. At least, it looked like Time Square… there were no cars and no roads. Everyone was walking and the entire ground was made of very fine-looking cobblestone. The people were all wearing petticoats and sleek fancy jackets, no hats, and were apparently all very anti-social as there was zero sound aside from the lovely songs of invisible birds. Did I mention there were no trees?

“Where is Big Ben? I need to know what time it is! I’m going to be late for work!” I whined, stomping my feet on the ground like a child who was just denied a piece of chocolate while on the check out line at the grocery store. This captured the attention of a passerby who stopped directly in front of me.

“Big Ben? Isn’t that the clock tower in England? Because if you’re looking to find out what time it is that’s definitely the place to go. The clock tower here disappeared three days ago. It’s been so hard to keep appointments since then!” The blonde stranger which gigantic yellow glasses started cackling like a witch in between loud pig-snorts. This didn’t bother me, though, so it must be a normal thing that I just never noticed before.

I thanked the kind stranger, grabbed Mike his apparently easily accessible belt and booked it for the car.

Which was gone.

“Damn it! Now how am I supposed to get to Big Ben? I need to know what time it is! I don’t want to get fired!” I turned into Mike’s chest and started to sob like a baby. He wrapped his arms around me soothingly and started softly singing “Animals” by Maroon 5, swaying us back and forth slightly. I found this so calming that the stream of tears immediately halted and I let out the largest burp I had ever released in my entire life. Irrelevant.

“Big Ben? Are you looking for a jet? Because I have a nice fancy jet.” I turned to see Bill Clinton, finely dressed in a fancy blue suite and red tie, jogging in place before us.

“Oh my god, yes! Yes, please! I need to make sure I’m not late for work!” While speaking I must have been jumping up and down excitedly because everything was suddenly blurry and shaking violently.

It all righted itself when Mike grabbed my arm, looked me dead in the eye and said, vehemently, “No, thanks. We’ll walk.”

“What are you talking about?” I laughed, clearly not taking the hint, “We can’t walk to England! It’s too far and neither of us have our water shoes.”

“Water shoes?” Mr. Clinton wondered aloud. “Well I don’t know about water shoes but I absolutely know about giant clock towers.” He was shoving us both towards the direction of his jet, directly in front of us. Huh. Hadn’t noticed that.

Before I knew it, we were in the air. The interior of the plane was very lavish. The walls literally looked like beige pillows coated with tiny diamonds. There was a mini bar lined with leopard print fur and the disco ball above it spun slowly.

And Bill Clinton sat in front of me, staring straight at me. He looked…different than when I had bumped into him first. His eyes were the size of saucers and he didn’t have a nose. Just a giant ear-to-ear- grin and snow-white hair. This didn’t bother me, though. It also didn’t bother me that, as I looked out the window, all I could see was fluffy pink sky with literal glitter for miles and tons of multi-colored stars everywhere I looked.

Wait, what?

“Huh…it looks so different outside. Is this the right way to England?” I asked Mike who was staring daggers at Bill Clinton.

“Yes, dear.” Bill answered in a low voice. “We’ll be gettin’ ya tuh Benny in no time.” This was a satisfying answer to me, as I nodded happily and drank the champagne in my hand, where ever that came from.

Suddenly, the former president was on top of me, snarling and drooling red, sticky goo everywhere. “Your head! I want your head! Eat it! I want eat!” he was snarling. At least, it sounded like that. I couldn’t clearly make out what he was screeching above Mike’s death threats and curses as he tackled good old psycho used-to-be-Bill-Clinton to the ground.

“Don’t ever try to eat my girlfriend’s head! Do you understand me?” He screamed at Bill, spitting in his face repeatedly and poking him in…the stomach. For some reason. “I love her and her head is wonderful!”

And then there was no ceiling. I looked up and all I saw was a swirling black vortex with…of course…glitter sparkling everywhere amongst the tiny spurts of purple and blue. It suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t have work today and that Big Ben was no longer as important as plunging into the abyss above our heads. Did I mention it was also insanely windy? But thankfully, my hair was not affected. Just everything in the cabin, clothes included, as it was all literally sucked out around us.

Stark naked, Mike and I jumped hand-in-hand into the dark swirling beauty of…what ever it was around the jet…leaving a roaring Bill Clinton monster behind us.

And then I woke up to an elbow in the face.

50 Facts About Me

Published November 20, 2013 by ABadKitten

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(Photo credit: Myself)

Sometimes writer’s block is hard to get over. Since finding 50 facts about myself is so incredibly difficult, this is always a sure-fire way for me to knock down that wall. Aaaand…GO!

  1. My nickname “Kat” comes from my middle name, Katherine.
  2. I’m a store manager at a GameStop.
  3. Here’s the main things that terrify me: Clowns, cows, any bug missing a leg or some other part of their body, the ocean, anything that lives in the deep of the ocean.
  4. My irrational fear of cows comes from back in my childhood, when I was feeding a horse sugar cubes. I looked away and looked back to see a cow taking it from my hand which then promptly bit my finger and moo’d loudly in my face. The horse had bolted, which had me thinking this was a cow from hell…where they all probably come from.
  5. I’m a vegetarian (not because I’m afraid of Satan’s cows) and have been for 10 years this Thanksgiving.
  6. My reasons for being Vegetarian aren’t necessarily related to Thanksgiving. That’s just when I decided, at age 15, that eating a dead bird that’s stuffed with herbs and soggy bread isn’t for me. Nor is eating any other dead animal, for that matter.
  7. I’m also a passive-aggressive vegetarian, meaning I don’t care what you choose to eat– this is my choice, not yours. The only time I get out-spoken about my choice to go without meat is when people try to “trick me” into eating meat or get nasty to me about my personal choice, unprovoked.
  8. I haven’t believed in God since the third grade when my grandmother died from breast cancer.
  9. I’m completely, 100% obsessed with scented candles.
  10. Come 11/22, I’ll have a total of 5 game consoles. WiiU, 3DSXL, Xbox360, Xbox One, and PS4. I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM. (Yes I do.)
  11. Like a typical American, I drink way too much coffee.
  12. I’m most happy in an over-sized sweatshirt and underwear, hair flying wild and free.
  13. Anything with lace is something I need in my wardrobe. I’m obsessed with and fascinated by lace.
  14. If I could find a wizard who could cast a spell transporting me to Middle Earth as an elf of Mirkwood…I would sacrifice Lambchop to do so.
  15. Fantasy is a genre I’ve been in love with since as far back as I can remember.
  16. Oh, yeah I’m a huge nerdy dork–and I love that about myself.
  17. Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons. (Real original.)
  18. I have constant conversations with myself. In a non-psychotic way.
  19. If I could lay on a hill all day every day and get paid to look at the sky, night and day, I could die happy. I love the sky.
  20. Alice and Wonderland is my favorite Disney movie…
  21. …but Belle from Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney princess.
  22. I’m 96% Italian…
  23. …but you wouldn’t be able to tell that from looking at my pale skin. Being vegetarian took away my year-round tan. A small price to pay for my choices. :]
  24. As of right now, my favorite song is My Demons by Starset.
  25. I used to be a huge fan of WWE, but since getting promoted I haven’t had the time to watch as much so I’ve fallen out of the loop. I’m sad.
  26. I still love CM Punk, Randy Orton, the Undertaker, Kane, everyone in the Shield, and the Big Show. That won’t change.
  27. I’ve also pretty much been in love with AJ since she entered WWE.
  28. I’ve only had two serious relationships in my 24 years. One that wasted 7 years of my life, but brought me to my current (recently) 2 year relationship.
  29. For the past two Halloweens I’ve dressed as a pirate captain.
  30. Christmas is my favorite holiday. Halloween comes in at a close second.
  31. I’m a charity/donation fiend. Anything I can do for charity I will gladly do.
  32. On that note, I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m too kind for my own good. That’s wrung true more often than not, unfortunately.
  33. I’m so soft-hearted that I can’t even kill a nat without feeling heartbroken. It’s a problem.
  34. I used to write three times a day on Xanga.com , a blog on which I had a giant plethora of readers…and then stopped for almost a year. When I finally went back, it almost got shut down and turned into an expensive pay-to-write-here website. Hello WordPress.com!
  35. In high school, every outfit I wore was mainly black.
  36. I’m in love with nature and the outdoors.
  37. Too bad I’m so sensitive to the cold. Otherwise I would be outside every chance I get during the cold months.
  38. During Hurricane Sandy, my entire area was without power for 2 1/2 weeks. Since we had no heat, water,Β  or electricity and it was winter, I stayed with my boyfriend for the duration of it.
  39. I’ve always wanted to work with animals. I would love to be a vet, a vet tech, a trainer…what ever.
  40. I give amazing advice that I, myself, never seem to follow.
  41. I’m horrified by the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz.
  42. When I was younger I used to: dance (ballet, tap and jazz), play soccer, play tennis, run track, play piano, sing, and kickbox. I do none of that now and I miss it all terribly.
  43. My apartment does not allow pets which is, basically, a death sentence for me. (I didn’t really have any other choice but to move here at the time…)
  44. Even now I can’t have a bed that has any type of open space under it. You never know what could be under there…
  45. I used to draw a lot in middle school and high school but have since stopped and lost all of my skill.
  46. Writing also used to be a part of my daily routine and I wrote some amazing things. I’ve lost that, yet again, but I’m trying to mend that part.
  47. I love interior design. If I had the money to do all that I’ve imagined in my head, I could have an awesome career.
  48. My collection of LOtR things used to include a life-sized standee of Legolas, all of the magazines from the fan club, book marks, trading cards, notebooks, folders, pencils, empty candy boxes, books of quotes and fanfiction, and drawings (though I’m probably leaving some out!). Now, it’s down to the collector’s edition movie sets, my writing (because I will never get rid of that) and one bookmark of Legolas because I still think it’s to sexy to toss.
  49. I’ve had a total of 5 cars. A dynasty, a ’99 mercury cougar, a ’96 mercury cougar, a nissan sentra and my current hyundai accent which is my first brand new car that I bought and pay for all on my own. Yes, I’m quite proud.
  50. My favorite color is purple. What a lame note to end on.

So there. That wasn’t as painfully hard as it usually is. Doing silly things like this is always a good way for me to break down the walls of writer’s block. Plus, I love having to dig deep inside myself and pull out random things that I normally wouldn’t think twice about.

Maybe I’ll actually be able to write something legit now.

Damn you, Fear.

Published November 14, 2013 by ABadKitten

I don’t remember where I heard the phrase “Fear is a myth that we make alive with our belief” but I always wanted to believe that. I never did, but I wanted to. At least it would make certain aspects of life just a little bit easier if I did.

As defined on Wikipedia, “Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight or flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible.” Too bad there is not always a specific reason for a person to feel fear. Sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be any reason at all.

Two nights ago, I got barely any sleep. I kept waking up every half hour or so absolutely and utterly terrified. Of what? I have no idea. After being jolted awake, I just laid there for a little thinking about what was terrifying me and why. When I could come up with no answer, I relaxed and went back to sleep. This went on for the remainder of the night.

Last night, I kept dosing off on the couch before I actually went to bed. I was jolted awake by the sounds of knocking and scratching– both which weren’t really happening. It kept happening each time I dozed off until I had had enough, turned off my tv and went to bed where I slept soundly all night.

Now, waking up this morning I’m nervous…but this time I actually have a reason. The PS4 is launching today and I, being the store manager, have all of the stress of “Will it go smoothly?” and “What if, god forbid, the police doesn’t show up as they say and we get robbed?” and all those thoughts of worst-case-scenarios. I’m going to have the same fears next week when the Xbox One releases. It’s normal. It’s holiday season and this is my first year as a store manager so it’s a tad stressful.

The point to my ramblings is that my fear this morning has a basis and something real to fear. My fears the past few days have been based on feelings that have no reason to exist and sounds I’m only hearing in my subconscious that don’t really exist either. Fear makes life complicated. It kept me from sleeping the other night and kept me from relaxing last night. It’s keeping me from walking into work with my head held high today because I’m absolutely terrified something might happen.

The positive side is at least I’m aware of worst-case-scenarios and acknowledge they exist beyond the bounds of my imagination. They could happen, though it doesn’t mean they actually will. Being jolted awake by terror that you can’t explain doesn’t really have a positive side. The only thing I can think to relate it to is stress and anxiety.

Damn, fear. It makes life so difficult.

The Simple Things

Published November 10, 2013 by ABadKitten

While driving home tonight, I decided to take the back roads home. The entire 2 minute drive down the leaf-strewn road was completely dark aside from my headlights and the few spots of light coming from the back of random businesses here and there. Being so dark, I had the clearest view of the sky…

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Today was a little rough. Normally, after a hard days work, seeing my boyfriend is all the relief I need to relax and unwind. It’s been harder the past few weeks as I see him a lot less because of conflicting work schedules and the fact that I practically live at my store. Tonight was the same story, as I left him a little early tonight so he could rest up for an early start tomorrow…which sucks for me because the comfort was really needed.

Looking up at the beautiful sky on my ride home, though, was so calming. From the little light that was left in it, I could see the stars just as clearly as the swirled smokey wisps of clouds surrounding them. It was super windy tonight so they moved slightly which, for some reason, reminded me of calming waves on the beach.

No amount of star-gazing could ever replace the warm arms of someone I love, but sometimes the little bit of “simple” is all that’s needed to push you over the edge to relaxation.

How do you deal with stress?

Published November 8, 2013 by ABadKitten

Image Sometimes I wonder, in the midst of having a mini anxiety attack, about what other people are stressing out about in that particular moment. How many peoples’ stress levels are as high as mine? Lower? Higher, even? And why? Everyone is dealing with their own something in their life because, well, that’s life. If we could control everything that happened during our days and easily fix every incident that happened, life would not be life.

What I also wonder, though, is how other people deal with it. How does the man who is going through a divorce which threatens to suck him dry go through his day to day life without losing it? What about the parent whose child is a known drug-abuser? There are so many crappy things that so many different people are going through but how are they all surviving it?

I used to run, walk, write, draw. Now, I barely have time to even cook myself dinner because of how often I’m working. The crappy part is that work is what has me so stressed out! I don’t have time to exercise to clear my mind and I very rarely even get the chance to write as I’ve done today. Finding something to help me get through these next few months without completely snapping seems like an endless search.

How do you deal with stress when you’re in the middle of it 98% of the week?